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Did you hear about the X-rated turkey? It's served with very little dressing.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. - WC Fields
How to Cook a Turkey
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 350 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another wottle of biskey
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out
if the Pilgrims had shot a wild cat instead of a Turkey, what would we be eating for Thanksgiving?
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy answered, "No ma'am, they're dead."
The representative from Butterball goes to see the Pope and asks him to change the Lord's Prayer from "Give us our daily bread" to "Give us our daily turkey". The Pope says that it is impossible, but the Butterball rep says that they are prepared to give the church a billion dollars to change it. The Pope says he must discuss it with the head Cardinals. The next day he calls them all together and announces he has good news and bad news. "The good news", he begins "is that the church is to come into a billion dollars. The bad news is that we are losing the Wonderbread account!"
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the pub.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, The bitter, The lager.
Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving," little Johnny wrote, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey."
"Here's to good food, Good fortune, And good whiskey!"
(c) 2014 Kathy Hamlin